


Connection

by dreamchaser31



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-19 03:28:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4731194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamchaser31/pseuds/dreamchaser31
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, only a connection spoken in a different language, one you held with the one you loved, your soulmate even, could bring about a reality that your mind so desperately needed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Connection

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Notashamed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notashamed/gifts).



Sometimes all it took to send her Winter Soldier back into his state of severe contemplation was a hand gesture. He was sorry for everything, but knew nothing. During this time he would just sit there, and stare ahead. You'd feel as if he were staring at you, but looking right through you at the same time. Blue-grey eyes, that were normally so expressive, hypnotizing even, were blank, wiped clean, and sometimes, Jane felt that that's what his brain was trying to do. To clean him again. To go through a process that it so craved, that was normal for it. 

She was one of the first people to see his file, naturally after Steve and Sam, basically because there was Ultron, then the War, and after there was hardly anybody to trust. But she proved herself to them, to Bucky. She wasn't going anywhere. Right was right, and this, what they did to this man, her man, was so very wrong. A man who could love as much as he could, should not have endured the torture he had, or was still having to go through. The torture made him a emotionless assassin. The way he held her in his arms told people a different story. 

 

He didn't let many people in. In fact, there were times of panic where he wouldn't let her near him. He was afraid to hurt her. The fact that Jane pointed out he clearly knew his mind by telling her that sometimes calmed him. All in all, she was never allowed near him in those times, but she was the only one that could really calm him. His heart would not stop racing until she was in his arms again.

 

Sometimes, he told her, he was afraid to wake and find all of what he had a dream. And sometimes, he also confessed, he wanted it to be. He wanted to wake in the forties, and still have her in his arms. It wasn't that the present day was bad to him, it was that, memories, and all that had been done, he wanted to escape with her still in her life. She would carefully point out he couldn't have it both ways, and he'd smile, that heartbreaking, beautiful smile that would leave her in a pile of goo. Darcy called her lucky, Pepper called her a saint. Truthfully, she felt she was neither. 

If loving someone were easy, everyone would do it.

 

Whenever he'd train, it was to keep up his balance, his body craved the action, and more often than not, so did her body. She loved watching the powerful core train on every piece of equipment Avengers Tower had to offer. People would fill the rafters to watch. He told her one time that he knew why they were there.

"Because they don't trust me. They have to fill the room." His blue eyes were bright with unshed tears. 

"I trust you, love. That's all that matters."

 

Their routine quickly became that of any couples routine. He attended daily therapy sessions with not only Sam, but Steve as well, and sometimes Clint. He liked Clint. Clint wasn't afraid to call him out on his bull shit, as he said. Plus, sometimes he'd bring his kids, and Bucky loved kids. He loved them so much that he at one point asked her about her thoughts on them.

"You ever think of having babies, doll?" The casualness in his demeanor conflicting with the way her heart was pounding in her chest. 

"Sometimes. You?" It was a dumb question, she knew. But seriously how do you get out of talking about this when your boyfriend brings it up?

"More often than not lately." That's all that was said on the subject, but that night, sex was a little slower, a little gentler. While Bucky always knew how to coax just about any reaction out of her he wanted, she had a feeling, he was wanting a little bit more that night, that she wasn't ready to give. He would never force her, she knew this. Sometimes she felt like she couldn't give him everything that he actually needed. 

Sometimes, she had to pull away. 

 

The first time he hadn't seen her in two days, the whole tower went on alert. She had locked herself in her lab, with orders to Friday to not let anyone disturb her. No outside calls, no inside communications. She had to think. She even ignored Friday's hint that Bucky wasn't doing so well. The third day, she found him, in her own apartment, staring ahead that the wall, Steve and Sam on either side of him, unresponsive. Her heart broke. 

That Bucky depended on her that much, that he knew how of her placement in his own heart. Well, that scared her too. She definitely didn't know her own. Maybe that was her being a jerk. After he came to, she told him she needed time to think, that everything was moving too fast for her. 

 

It was the worse week of her life. She'd guess the same could be said for him. Sam kept her updated on his condition.

"Not eating. Bad dreams. Irritable, even around Steve. He knowas why you did this. He just doesn't understand that he didn't do anything to cause it."

"He blames himself?"

"He thinks that his issues drove you away."

 

That answer was enough for Jane to find him, after searching every nook of the tower, she found him in Stark's garage. Stark was working around him like a pro. He'd have him hold a wrench, or hold up a car while he worked. It took every ounce of her will power to not scold him, simply because Bucky seemed to be ok with it. 

And when he saw her again for the first time in a week, the way his eyes lit up sent jolts through her body. Devastatingly beautiful, the love of her life. 

"I feel like I can do good here. I remember working in the garage before the war. I'd come home greasy, and my ma would scold me, then make my sister help me clean up."

"You like cars, then?"

"No."

"No?"

He shakes his head and goes back to helping Tony. The two men had stricken up an unlikely friendship, and she wasn't sure to be surprised or relieved. He walked her to her door that night after a late supper of pizza and bread sticks, and while she wanted him to come in, he kissed her cheek at her door and stepped back before she could seek more. 

"Whenever you're ready doll, just know, I can take care of you. I know I can. But I need you to believe that this isn't just me taking you for granted. You help me a lot. It's been real lopsided. I'm sorry for that. I promise I'll try and do better." Then he was gone. 

She didn't have the chance to tell him that it wasn't lopsided, that he was already pretty fucking fantastic, but he was gone before she could reach for him again. 

 

He took her out the next week, dinner and a baseball game. He'd never looked so happy. She'd never felt so alive in a relationship. She told him this. He smiled at her and held her close, while cheering on their team. 

 

Jane had never felt so relieved when things went back to normal for them. The days between Bucky's bad days were becoming farther, and farther apart. He'd get up in the morning, and make them breakfast. He'd proven himself to be an amazing cook. Then he'd walk her to her lab, and make his way down to help Tony. They'd meet in the communal kitchen for a quick lunch, then go back to work. Because Bucky liked his days planned out, it gave him no room for anxiety, they were always home by seven. 

 

They searched for new ways to help him through one of his attacks, that would allow him to allow her near, because regardless of his fear, his love for her, calmed him instantly anybody mentioned her name. She was flattered, really. Or she would be if he didn't have that far off look in the beautiful eyes that she'd come to adore. 

Which is why they were here now, in the communal living area, as the movie was paused in the background. Guys night. 

His eyes were vacant oceans, as he stared straight ahead. The movie bringing back a gruesome memory that he'd escaped from. 

The men had tried everything before calling her down. And she could only pull the last weapon she had in her arsenal that hadn't been tried yet. 

"Dance with me, love." She held her hand out to him and watched as some of the light returned to the blue in his eyes. He analyzed her hand before grabbing onto it, and allowed himself to be pulled up. 

He held her like he was dying. He held her like she was the most precious thing in the world to him. And maybe she was. She didn't notice when Tony had ushered the rest of the guys out, had Friday dim the lights and play a soft jazz song over the speakers. 

Sometimes, only a connection spoken in a different language, one you held with the one you loved, your soulmate even, could bring about a reality that your mind so desperately needed. 

So even though she hated to do it, she danced with her love, night in, night out until he could breathe again, and sometimes even longer. 

Because that's what you do for the one you love. And for right now, as his head rested atop hers, the music soft and slow, Jane was content in never letting him go.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! I hope you enjoyed this as much as I loved writing it. It was something different, and something that I desperately needed to write. Not a lot of dialogue, and from Jane's point of view. 
> 
> Also a gift for Notashamed. They've read and reviewed every single one of my stories, so I appreciate the support! I can always count on them! 
> 
> I'm down for any challenges, so if you have anything you'd like to see, send them to me!!! 
> 
> Happy Labor Day weekend! I'm so happy to have a three day weekend! No school Monday means football, and more time for writing!


End file.
